~I once was lost...~

These past few days...it's like everything has been so bizarre. A week ago, I thought this would be the best semester of college so far. But it's been the most weird few days of my life. I can't even wrap my mind around everything that's happened in the past few days.

I was sitting at the desk today and this kid opened up a package and it had a David Sedaris novel and my eyes lit up and with out thinking I went, "Oh, David Sedaris, my friend..." and I almost couldn't say her name. My chest felt constricted and tight and I must have looked like a dying fish.

Everything reminds me of her. Books and songs, and pictures on my computer. Facebook groups, and shops downtown. She's in the columns and the sidewalks and she's embedded in the walls of this building and I can hear her. I can hear her laugh and it makes me laugh and I get so mad at myself for letting go. I get so mad with myself for catching back up with the world and having my own priorities again.

Just tonight I walked to a restarant with some friends, thinking that it was a really long walk and I was having a good time and then I saw Maude's vintage and all I could think was how much I hated myself for being able to complain that both my feet hurt. I hate this.


A little over an hour ago I was jumping up and down because I made it into this selective singing group...but I jumped and the moment I did, I cursed myself for being able.

Today...I don't know. Today I started at the beginning of something. A stage of my life died yesterday and this morning a new one began. I don't know what you can call that. Metamorphosis, maybe. I kind of see myself as an incomplete piece of clay. I'm a statue most of the time, something that has been molded to be a certain way and represent certain things and every once in a while some part breaks and needs to be mended. And even though I eventually get put back together, with a little comfort and heart from mom and Becky, Molly, and Mark,and Cori and Stepho...I'm never quite the same. My newly made self is just a bit different, because me, the statue, will never be dried out completely, I will never be fired and turned from bisque to ceramic and everytime I get bent out of shape or a piece is knocked off...some new part of me appears as a result of the repair and I can't help but admire it...even if it almost kills me.

And when they told me that she laughed and joked...it was okay to complete my transition and start again as this new me and accept that I am allowed to laugh and joke even in this new skin, knowing what I know, and still feeling pain.

Love all,

~Queen B~